Dear Diary

November 18th, 2013 “
Dear Diary,

I continue to write in your pages even years into my adult life. Hmm, how silly to say it that way, for I am hardly twenty three yet I feel as though I am much older. Life had dictated this, I suppose, though I can't bring myself to regret it.
Dillion and I had different plans for life, plans that … didn't fit together. Our relationship was beautiful and I truly believed for quite some time that he and I were destined to be together in the end. I suppose it was a silly girls' fantasy in many ways, to marry your first love, but it was one that I would not live out.
He and I continued to be together for a couple of years after high school, but I was at school here in the states, while he decided to go back to England and attend Oxford. It was a decision I couldn't possibly dislike on any level. Dillion deserved this, and I knew it was what was best for him. As much as he could act like a small child at times, I always knew Dillion to be a brilliant man, and this only seemed fitting.
We would travel to visit each other every few weeks, and for the first number of months, it worked out, seeing each other for a weekend here and there, talking on the phone and through email, it was enough. But as our lives developed, we realized that we were not the types of people to uphold a long distance relationship. We were so busy with our studies and building our lives, that the extra effort needed was unavailable to us. That and our lives were taking turns that the other couldn't follow. What opened our eyes to this was when he was here in the states and we were spending time with his best friend, Connor, and Lalana Hajari. They were expecting their first child and we were both very excited for them. The boys had gone into another room, and in passing, I heard Dillion expressing how he did not want to have a child someday. He told Connor that he was a bigger man, because Dillion couldn't handle that, and that if I were to become pregnant some day, what would he do? "Pay." I was confused by this at first. His words were rather cold. I knew he meant pay for an abortion by the tone. I couldn't listen anymore. We discussed it later, realizing that we had very different views about starting a family some day. This was one of the final pushes. We didn't belong together anymore.
In the end we broke apart. It was a mutual decision, and while it was painful to fly back home knowing that seeing his face on the other side of the security line at the airport would be the last time I would see that face, I knew I had to be strong. Dillion had taught me that, to believe in myself. I will always be thankful for him.
I had been on the pill for a couple of years and my time of the month had turned into my time of every-other month. Long story short, it was over a month after Dillion had left that I realized something was wrong. I finally broke down and bought myself a home pregnancy test.
It was positive.
I could not bring myself to tell Dillion, no matter how much my friends and family insisted. I was afraid that he would tell me to have an abortion, or worse, that he wanted no part in having or raising this child. I was terrified of what he would do. It had been a month since I had seen him when I found out I was pregnant. A month that had seemed like a lifetime of getting over him and moving on, and surely the same on his end.
And so, my bravery faded without him in my life, and I took the cowardice road by hiding this from him. I hope that some day, sooner preferred to later, that I can tell him, and not see anger in his eyes.
Please Lord, protect my small family, and give my children a healthy, beautiful life. And bless me with the courage to tell Dillion some day, for I know he deserves the truth.
Thank you Diary. You have always been a great listener.
Sincerely yours,
The New Mother,