It was impossible not to feel heartbroken as she watched Dillion stand, moving to the washrags hanging by the sink, touching them like they were precious jewels. She could see the pain in his movements, and hated herself, knowing that she was the reason all of this was happening.
She finished her little sob story, wishing she hadn’t sounded so damn pathetic. Leona knew she was in the wrong, and hearing herself retell the story, out loud and to him, only made it more obvious. How had she been so stupid?
Watching him get out of his seat again Leona just followed him with her eyes, turning a bit in her chair when he came to crouch in front of her, taking her face in his hands. As much as she knew she shouldn’t be letting him touch her, especially with their history, she couldn’t help but let her face fall against his hands, unsure if the feeling was helping or causing her to break even more. She listened to him explain himself and that night, suddenly wishing she had known more, that she had known that his position against having kids had not been out of a lack of desire to be a father, but out of fear, understandable fear. If only she had known. She would have done everything differently. She couldn’t try and imagine what life would be like now if they had been in this together, it was too impossible and too painful to think about.
Stressed laughter fell from her lips again, longing to be genuine but that sort of happiness just wasn’t in her right now. The idea of him spoiling the girls, whom she insisted were already spoiled enough by her crazy family, brought the closest thing to happiness she had felt all morning. She knew he would, too, spoil them that is. Even though Leona had always doubted if Dillion would ever have children, she had never doubted that if he did, he’d be an amazing father.
And then it hit her like a ton of bricks, the two short words he had uttered a breath before informing her that he was going to make up for lost time.
“I’m sorry.”
He was sorry? No. No, no, no, he couldn’t be blaming himself. No! Leona felt like she was about to have a panic attack or something, her entire body freezing up. She was so much like she had been as a girl again, allowing herself to fall into his charms only to suddenly realize that it was a bad idea. Tensing up she pulled herself away from him, moving to her feet and around him and walking across her kitchen with a curled hand again to her lips. She was shaking her head, her back to him. For a moment she stood just like that, reminding herself to breathe and biting back the tears that were becoming harder and harder to ignore. When she felt like she was in control again she turned to face him, standing against the island counter and folding her arms over her stomach, still shaking her head.
“Please… don’t, blame yourself.” She began quietly, realizing that she wasn’t as in control as she had thought. “I should have told you, Dillion. I should have told you years ago. I should have… flown to London to see you, or at least called you the moment I knew.” It was finally becoming too much, and the tears in her eyes were becoming more threatening. She sniffled, wiping away the tears before they could fall. “I was scared, but that wasn’t an excuse. This is all my fault, mine, not yours. I should have told you… I’m so sorry.”
She just stood there, arms over her stomach and leaning her back into the island, reaching up to wipe away her tears again as they finally began to slowly spill over and down her pale cheeks. She couldn’t sit there and listen to him blame himself, she just couldn’t. Fourteen years ago Leona had felt that she was making the right choice, but honestly, she knew she was wrong. She had figured that out years ago, and had done nothing about it. Leona was hurting but she wasn’t stupid. She knew that all of this was on her, and that Dillion had no reason to feel guilt, and that he did have every reason to be angry with her. She almost wished he was angry, that he was yelling at her, instead of comforting her. He was comforting her! Why? Why would he do that, when she had denied him his children? Leona would never understand him, she realized, staring across the room at him and wishing things had worked out differently.
She finished her little sob story, wishing she hadn’t sounded so damn pathetic. Leona knew she was in the wrong, and hearing herself retell the story, out loud and to him, only made it more obvious. How had she been so stupid?
Watching him get out of his seat again Leona just followed him with her eyes, turning a bit in her chair when he came to crouch in front of her, taking her face in his hands. As much as she knew she shouldn’t be letting him touch her, especially with their history, she couldn’t help but let her face fall against his hands, unsure if the feeling was helping or causing her to break even more. She listened to him explain himself and that night, suddenly wishing she had known more, that she had known that his position against having kids had not been out of a lack of desire to be a father, but out of fear, understandable fear. If only she had known. She would have done everything differently. She couldn’t try and imagine what life would be like now if they had been in this together, it was too impossible and too painful to think about.
Stressed laughter fell from her lips again, longing to be genuine but that sort of happiness just wasn’t in her right now. The idea of him spoiling the girls, whom she insisted were already spoiled enough by her crazy family, brought the closest thing to happiness she had felt all morning. She knew he would, too, spoil them that is. Even though Leona had always doubted if Dillion would ever have children, she had never doubted that if he did, he’d be an amazing father.
And then it hit her like a ton of bricks, the two short words he had uttered a breath before informing her that he was going to make up for lost time.
“I’m sorry.”
He was sorry? No. No, no, no, he couldn’t be blaming himself. No! Leona felt like she was about to have a panic attack or something, her entire body freezing up. She was so much like she had been as a girl again, allowing herself to fall into his charms only to suddenly realize that it was a bad idea. Tensing up she pulled herself away from him, moving to her feet and around him and walking across her kitchen with a curled hand again to her lips. She was shaking her head, her back to him. For a moment she stood just like that, reminding herself to breathe and biting back the tears that were becoming harder and harder to ignore. When she felt like she was in control again she turned to face him, standing against the island counter and folding her arms over her stomach, still shaking her head.
“Please… don’t, blame yourself.” She began quietly, realizing that she wasn’t as in control as she had thought. “I should have told you, Dillion. I should have told you years ago. I should have… flown to London to see you, or at least called you the moment I knew.” It was finally becoming too much, and the tears in her eyes were becoming more threatening. She sniffled, wiping away the tears before they could fall. “I was scared, but that wasn’t an excuse. This is all my fault, mine, not yours. I should have told you… I’m so sorry.”
She just stood there, arms over her stomach and leaning her back into the island, reaching up to wipe away her tears again as they finally began to slowly spill over and down her pale cheeks. She couldn’t sit there and listen to him blame himself, she just couldn’t. Fourteen years ago Leona had felt that she was making the right choice, but honestly, she knew she was wrong. She had figured that out years ago, and had done nothing about it. Leona was hurting but she wasn’t stupid. She knew that all of this was on her, and that Dillion had no reason to feel guilt, and that he did have every reason to be angry with her. She almost wished he was angry, that he was yelling at her, instead of comforting her. He was comforting her! Why? Why would he do that, when she had denied him his children? Leona would never understand him, she realized, staring across the room at him and wishing things had worked out differently.
No comments:
Post a Comment